Unapologetically Letting Go

I have found that to live my life unapologetically, I had to process and let go of my daughter’s father. I do not call him my ex because he is not “my” anything, anymore. My daughter is mine; so he is my daughter’s father to me. Anyone who has been through a divorce will likely know that letting go is a process. Sometimes, that process takes longer than expected. 

I am here to tell you, that for the past three years, I have done the proverbial work people talk about. I have been to counseling, I processed with people I love, I even did a group program for betrayed spouses. All of this has been helpful, supportive, and insightful. However, what has been even more important, for me, has been the inner work that continues to this day. 

Today, I was making my bed. As I was going through the fairly mundane act of making the bed, my mind wondered. I started to think about all the things I did while my daughter’s father and I were separated.

I thought about the things I did to show him that I cared, the time and money I spent when he got a new house. The things I did not do for myself, in order to do for him. I was just about to start judging myself. When I noticed what I was about to do, I asked myself, “what is the purpose of the thoughts? What am I gaining from them?” I had to cut myself off at the path before I spiraled, which would have been filled with negative self-talk, a mental melee if you will. 

There were times when I was not able to stop the spiral. I am happy to report that I am much better now. This pivot was necessary because I could not keep treating myself the way I was, putting myself down. At the end of the day, I did what I thought was right to the best of my abilities. I loved, I showed up, I tried, I asked questions, I was vulnerable (I did not enjoy the vulnerable part at all). I did all of this for the right reasons, it was just the wrong relationship. Now, I work to honor myself and in order to honor me, I need to be vigilant with my thoughts. I need to protect my peace and value myself. After I properly checked myself, before I wrecked myself… 🙂 I finished making my bed and then nestled into it to write this blog post.