What We Are Not Doing in 2021

I was texting with someone I love today and part of that conversation was around what we are not going to do in 2021.

• We are not going to be rehab for men, or women for that matter
• We are not being too nice 
• We are not putting ourselves second (or third, fourth, fifth…) to others 
• We are not going to comfort others or make them feel ok after they have treated us badly 

I have been on a quest of prioritizing myself again after I divorced. I had been consuming myself with thoughts of “I should have left him sooner” and “I picked him over me.” Basically, I had not forgiven myself, and if I am honest, as I write this, I am not fully there but certainly much better than I have been.

I have tried to be graceful and patient, reminding myself that I did what I was supposed to, I loved him with everything I had. But I still felt that I betrayed myself and I could not pinpoint when I became “this woman.” You know the one who accepts disrespect and then is on the Maury show crying talking about… “but I love him!”

Back in March 2019, I sent a message to my sorority sisters, some of us are on a messenger chat. We use it to talk shit, share random things, and support each other through good times and bad. On March 21, 2019, I shared the following quote by Madalyn Beck, “Start over, my darling. Be brave enough to find the life you want and courageous enough to chase it. Then start over and love yourself the way you were always meant to.”

After sharing the quote I told them I  needed to be brave. That I was emotional and felt at a loss. That’s when they kicked into action. My sister Lori asked me “do you remember what you were on your way to do before you met him? Girl, we can all remind you who… Your confidence was like no other person I had ever met. Sincere, true, strong… sister you are still you. Generous with love always! Reconnect.” Then my sister Alejandra said, “You were a protector to all of us. I remember how you would make sure everyone stuck together regardless of our little excursions at the parties. True, strong, and a load of confidence!!! Loved it!!!!” My sister Madeline shared “We were some dancing fools, never missing a party! You have always had the kindest heart, too. So, you know how to be fierce and when to be vulnerable.” My sister Nina wrote, “trust me when I tell you that every time I think of you I smile and know that you are loved and not alone.”

With tears in my eyes, I wrote back, “I feel like I don’t know what I want out of my life and I don’t remember what I wanted back then. I felt this way for so long I don’t know how to shake it and at this point, it’s not about him, I am doing this to myself. I remember her [meaning me], I remember how genuinely happy she used to be, I just have not felt any of that for way too long. I am in a vicious cycle, judging myself for taking this long to snap out of it, then trying to rally but then I am emotionally drained, so then I don’t do shit, then I judge myself and on it goes. I also need to grow up, right!? Life is shitty at times so I need to dig deep, figure out where these feelings are coming from and start doing something about it, even if it’s a little thing. I am so emotionally tired I am letting myself get away with not dealing. I do judge myself for still feeling whatever I am feeling but I don’t judge anyone else. I need to show myself the grace I do for others, I just haven’t and I don’t know what it will take at this point but I know I couldn’t do it without ya’ll.”

It is so true I could not do it without them. When I allowed myself to think about it, I had been saying the same things to myself since 2019, and I am sure well before then, so finally, in late 2020 I got serious about sorting out my feelings, showed myself grace, and allowed myself to dig deeper. The next step of my journey was upon me so I went back to counseling, individually and group, started journaling again and began doing affirmations.

Today I am in a different headspace. I am showing myself all of the grace and I am not taking anyone’s shit. 🙂 I got my conductor hat on and choo chooed my unapologetic train down the track. Like Black Sheep said, “if my train goes off the track… Pick it up! Pick it up! Pick it up! Back on the scene, crispy and clean!”

My train has been off the track a few times over the last few years and my sisters, my parents, my friends, my daughter, and my counselor have all helped me pick it up, pick it up, pick it up. But, I had to put in the biggest effort because it is my life. I feel so happy and blessed today, I just did not know that I could get here in March 2019, but here I am crispy and clean! 

Back to those texts from this morning. I said, “Girl, we are living unapologetically in 2021 and beyond. Anything that does not serve us has to go!” That was not lip service, I truly believe that for me, for everyone I love, and for everyone reading this blog. Doing the work sucks sometimes! But the only way to get to the other side and feel happy, blessed, joyful, peaceful, etc. is by sticking to it and by prioritizing yourself. We are not doing things that do not serve us in 2021 (insert hand claps throughout this statement)! Pick it up! Pick it up! Pick it up!