Nature Therapy Pt. 1

I started my week hiking at Silver Falls State Park. The sun was out and the weather was perfect and I was excited to be there since it had been a while since my last visit. I forgot to download my playlist and there was no service so it was me, nature, and my thoughts. 

I was reflecting on where I have been and how I have been feeling lately, specifically about dating and opening myself to someone. It reminded me of something I wrote a couple of years back on October 4, 2018. I journaled the following:

I never thought that I would say this but, I miss anger. Righteous indignation gave me something to pass the time with, it gave me something to be right about. In my journey, once I turned away from anger, I went straight into disappointment. This is not your 10-year old’s disappointment because their tablet ran out of battery. It is not your teen’s disappointment because you won’t let them borrow the car. It is not someone’s disappointment because they didn’t get the promotion they wanted. It is a deep-seated disappointment.

Deep-seated disappointment that lives inside of the dark corners of your mind. They say that when you’re driving and you don’t remember getting to your destination, that’s muscle memory. Your mind instinctively knows which way to go, even if you’re not paying attention. After sharing your life with somebody for a long period of time your mind keeps going back to the life that was “supposed to be.” I keep seeing in my mind’s eye rocking chairs on a porch at 80 talking about what an amazing life we shared because that’s who we said we were going to be. My muscle memory kicks in when I am not paying attention and it drives me down memories and promises that are for not and they fuel my disappointment with reckless abandonment.

Anger seemed difficult at the time but it has nothing on disappointment. It has such a stronghold that it still manifests in my thoughts and my dreams. I long for the day when I don’t think about a rocking chair. Those are their visions and their promises now. I don’t know how long it takes to build muscle memory but I need it now, not later. I need my mind to go towards my new reality, not a fictional porch from a fictional life built on a fictional love. I need my mind, my muscles, and my subconscious to all get on board so that we can leave disappointment behind, truly, once and for all.

I so miss anger! I knew exactly what to do with anger. This deep-seated disappointment, I can do without.

I no longer long for the rocking chair, I do not feel disappointed about what was “supposed to be” because I realize that if it was supposed to be, it would have happened. What I am left with now, is fear. Fear that I will repeat the mistakes of the past. I have recently recognized the depth of my fear which I thought a lot about during my hike. Join me in the second part where I share more about fear, Nature Therapy Pt. 2.