Honesty as an Excuse

I am in a group of singles with terminal degrees or currently pursuing doctorates. It is nice to be in a group of single people who have had similar educational experiences as me. I completed my PhD in Educational Management in Higher Education at Hampton University in 2014.

Most people in the group seem cool and some of the conversations have been entertaining. However, like any group, there are a variety of opinions, which means there have been some clashes.

Last week, one of the guys in the group made a post. He wanted to start a dialogue around the reasons why were are currently single. He started by saying that after interacting with some of the people in the group, it was “not hard to see why so many are still single.” He went on to share his three reasons. The last one was a doozie.

He proceeded to share that he either is not attracted to women physically even if he likes what’s on the inside or the opposite where he likes them physically but the inside is not up to par. This part, in and of itself, was not that bad it was the statements that followed that got my Puerto Rican at a 1,000. He went on to say that someone from the group had already found out that a good outside was not enough. Then he said that she was actually not that attractive, she was “decent at best.” He ended by saying that if 300 people like the post he would share who it was.

People, mainly women, had a negative reaction to this post. In the comments, there were a couple of men who said, in effect, that when men “tell the truth” women get triggered. By this point, I had to respond and said:

“We are all educated and as such we should have a strong understanding that words matter. The issue with this post is the word choice and the approach. I saw a couple of comments that said when men speak the “truth” people get triggered, and therein lies the problem. You are sharing your opinion and that doesn’t make your statements true. You are speaking from your lens and that does not make your opinion true for everyone or a fact.

For me, the biggest issue is the disrespect at the end of your post. We may not know who she is but she knows. It’s ok for you to think someone’s “outside” is not “fly” or “decent at best” but again that’s through your lens, someone else will find her stunning. There was no need for you to say this about anyone. One of my biggest pet peeves is when people hide behind being “honest” as means by which to be rude or talk any kind of which way.

Since this forum lacks tone I will let you know that I am not triggered nor upset. However, no one asked you to diagnose why anyone is still single. If you wanted to open the topic for self-reflection and invite people to think about the reasons why they are single, you could have achieved that without your personal diagnosis at the start of your post and without the disrespect at the end of your post.”

Being “honest” or “brutally honest” are one and the same, depending on intent. I truly cannot stand when people hide behind “honesty” or being “brutally honest” and use that as a license to be a shitty person. You can be honest and also be tactful and respectful. What is someone’s real purpose if they are using “honesty” to be hurtful? Can they truly be honest if their intentions are not good, pure, or productive? People should still be tactful and as kind as possible, especially when sharing something difficult. It’s really not that hard. Simply choose to be a good person versus a shitty one.

What is your pet peeve? Has there been a time when someone was “honest” with you but their delivery got in the way of the intent?

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